Tuesday, May 27, 2014

A dumb ass decision lands me on crutches, but teaches me something awesome.

So this past weekend I landed myself on crutches after falling from a zip line. Makes me sound pretty awesome and adventurous doesn't it? But actually it was the result of a  stupid decision and a poorly orchestrated plan to let my three year old daughter go on my sister-in-law’s backyard zip line during a family party. Of note (as it will be relevant as this story progresses) my husband was playing a show with his band in NY and wasn't in attendance at the party but his mother, his three siblings, and their spouses were.
So the accident went something like this: my three year old expresses interest in going on the zip line. I contemplate how and if we should do this, but go against my helicopter parenting instinct recalling that #1, one of her uncles somehow helped her onto the same zip line two weeks earlier.  And #2, earlier in the night she did absolutely fine in the pool without me (even though I wasn’t initially comfortable with that either).  So, I find another one of her uncles - because I'm of the belief that uncles are the perfect chaperones to assist my daughters in venturing out of their (and my) comfort zone. My daughter confidently climbs the ladder of the platform and I follow behind. My daughter and I stand on the platform (which I later found out wasn't intended for standing on) and I start to help her onto the zip line, with my brother-in-law right below us.  Then something happens, I lose my footing - maybe my Crocs cause me to slip on the muddy surface (no judgment on the Crocs, as they are actually really cute ballet flats) or maybe I am reaching for my daughter as she loosens her grip... or perhaps it was just a combination of both, but I fall off the ledge and throw my daughter off with me. My brother in law thankfully catches my daughter as I plummet to the ground, ultimately spraining my knee.
So why is all this relevant to a blog about my plans for a preventative mastectomy you might ask? Because in the hours that followed my fall, I couldn't do anything on my own. I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk, and I couldn't hover over my daughters. I needed my in-laws to help me do everything and I mean EVERYTHING. They carried me up and down stairs, helped me on and off the toilet, helped me into bed, prepared our meals, picked up my husband from a train station, etc., etc., etc. Thankfully, these are many of the very same people who I have lined up to care for myself and my daughters during and after my surgery. They were there for me and my daughters ten fold and I'm so grateful and appreciative.
As my surgery is getting closer and closer, the thing I find myself worrying about most is whether my daughters will be okay without me.  Well, I got a sneak peek at the generosity and love of  their caretakers weekend. Here is a snapshot of my adventure loving daughter having a blast while I was at the ER.
Clearly, we will get through this.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Slowing Down

As you may or may not have noticed, I've slowed down with “My Mastectomy” lately. Here is why:

1. It’s not on my mind and I have less time to give. Perhaps I'm in denial, perhaps I'm distracted by things like parenting and work (I'm now working increased hours at my three part time jobs) but basically,  I just haven't been thinking much about my breasts. Thankfully, being brca1+, the preventive surgeries, etc. just haven’t been on my mind lately. I also have not had any breast related appointments for a while.

2. I don't need it emotionally. In October, when I was still trying to make sense of my diagnosis and was overwhelmed by appointments and concerns over a lump, writing helped me process it all. But now that I'm lump free, and in a good place emotionally, I don't NEED to blog the way I did.

3. I have another opportunity to write. “My Mastectomy” has been an opportunity to do something I love - writing. However, I'm now blogging as part of one of my jobs. This has been great for me, as it's a paid opportunity to express myself in this manner.

I still do intend to write. I'll definitely write after appointments or when I need to work something out. And I'm sure as my surgery gets closer, I'll need the therapeutic element of blogging to be part of my life again. But for now, I'm slowing down.