Sunday, January 19, 2014

Confessions of a Cancer Free Hot Mess

So here is the really good news - I got my MRI results and the "something" is officially a "nothing" and chances are good that I'll be able to have the preventative surgeries on my terms after all.

And it gets even better - I don't  have any ‘breast cancer gene’ related doctor appointments scheduled for a nice long six week stretch. This means I can get back to business as usual, which this week has meant countless hours of picking up those stupid rainbow loom rubber bands off my rug, over analyzing a conflict with a colleague, and waking up each morning with an anxiety attack

Because the truth is, now that I have a moment to breathe and reflect, I realize how changed I am. I was once so calm, in fact that was an adjective often used to describe me (particularly professionally) and now I feel anything but. I probably need therapy or yoga or both, but true to form, I'm anxious about finding the time to do so.

Maybe this is just a stage of grief that I'll look back at with humor. You know, like how I look back and laugh at a time when “pregnancy brain" made me buy a milkshake from the McDonald's drive-thru and then 20 minutes later I realized that I was without my milkshake as I had never pulled up to the pick-up window. Or maybe I'm using the braca1 positive label as a scapegoat. I could simply be stressed because my youngest daughter is a handful, or because I'm slowly returning to my career after taking time off to be a stay at home mom, or because I'm worried about making it all work financially. Or maybe it's a combination of all of the above. But for now I accept that I'm a hot mess. But a hot mess who is cancer free! So things are looking up.

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